Tuesday, August 18, 2009

My Most Embarrassing Moment...Well One Of

I know this blog is suppose to chronicle the life and times of one, Parkerman. However, he is not really doing anything of note. He has taken steps alone, but is certainly not a walker yet. He can say a few words; mama, dada, up, cracker and yes, but I do not think of him as a talker at this time. Pman has a few tricks up his sleeve; he hands me the tub toys as I ask for them, he puts his hands in the air when I say the words, "Big Boy!" and he knows the signs for please and milk, but I would hardly call him a trained seal. I mean he is fun and all, but aside from possibly swallowing the pearl from my necklace at the pool today, he doesn't have much else going on at the moment. (I'm sure my blog next week will investigate this incident further...)

That being said, I promised a few friends from college that I would chronicle one of our collectively embarrassing moments.

My friends, L and K, and I were eating at this place that I'm not sure any other person in Salisbury even knew about, much less went to for actual food. It was a Greek Pita place.

In Salisbury, Maryland, which is anything BUT Greek.

While we were waiting for our dinner L was looking through one of those magazines that are in all of those weird places along with framed black felt pictures on the walls and mismatched chairs and tables. You will not find the magazines anywhere else and they probably date back to 1943. The ads are old, the articles are dated and all the pages are crinkled. Anyway, L was thumbing throw the 2"x2" ads in the back and found one for a body wrap. (Don't worry the body wrap will be explained, but generally it is your run of the mill quick fix weight loss gimmick.) Now, L has master powers of persuasion. She could convince a bus full of nuns to pose for Playboy, Full Monty style. Really. She's good.

L convinced K and me to do these body wraps. We called the place, which was about 30 minutes from school, and made appointments. They could not take all three of us at once, so I made an earlier appointment and L and K went about an hour after me. It should be noted not one of us was what you would call overweight in any way. We were (and are) healthy normal sized ladies, so why we even did this is still a mystery.

The day of the appointment I drove myself to this place and checked in. We were told to wear clothes that could get wet (?) and bring a change of clothes to wear home after the procedure. After checking in and paying more than I care to admit, I walked back to the changing room and stripped down to, well basically what you would wear to a Bikram Yoga class. I was then directed to another "room", which was really a curtained dressing room, and there was a lady waiting for me. As she took and recorded my measurements, including my wrists, she began to talk to me about what was going to happen. I was feeling very vulnerable there in my BY wear, like a trapped naked lab rat. She took an Ace bandage, an honest to goodness Ace bandage out of this huge metal container and began wrapping my left foot as if I had badly sprained it. She continued this until my whole body- my WHOLE body- was wrapped in these wet Ace bandages. The wet was apparently some sort of magic shrinking solution that was cold and somewhat itchy. I looked at myself in the mirror and knew it was too late, I was stuck. The only part of me that was not covered was my face, yes even my hair was put in a shower cap and wrapped. I looked like a swollen version of one of those hairless cats.

Then they taped freezer bags to my hands and feet to "Catch the toxins that drip out."

Then they put a poncho on me.

Then they said, "OOooo This one has some extra holes in it! [I think they were talking about the poncho...] When she is done with it we will have to throw it away."

When I'm done with it? Why not throw it away now and give me a proper poncho. I would have said exactly that, but the wrap around my neck and chin was so tight, I'm not sure I was actually able to breathe, let alone speak.

Then I was shuffled off to a third area- this is when I thanked God that I was the only one there. This third area was a work-out room of sorts.

*Warning, possible offensive, but entirely accurate language coming up.*

In this workout room were bargain basement answers to a treadmill, glider and stationary bike. I was to "work out" for 5 to 8 minutes on the machine of my choice! Then I moved onto this...thing. This extremely phallic thing. This 3 foot vibrating dildo thing. I had to hold on to for another 5 to 8 minutes. I was encouraged to get as much of my body on this vibrator as possible. Meaning I was to pull out any stereotypical move I had ever seen in a movie or otherwise that a stripper would preform on stage. The difference between me and a stripper? I was not getting paid. I was not wearing any sort of glitter. I was not drunk. And I felt completely ridiculous. Oh yeah, and I was completely wrapped in wet Ace bandages.

For about an hour and a half, in 5 to 8 minute intervals, I switched back and forth between the larger than life vibrator and walking on the squeaky treadmill- while wearing sweat filled freezer bags on my feet. Occasionally, my "toxin" bags were emptied.

Finally, the embarrassment came to an end and I was told to take off my poncho and meet Kathy in the back. Kathy was a very short very fat lady in her 50's. She told me she was there because she gets body wraps in lieu of paychecks! She told me that she eats and drinks whatever she wants because she gets body wraps so often. Apparently her shirt size had gone down from a 24 to a 22!! I told her she should be the poster child for Ocean City body wraps. She was telling me all this as she unravelled me. When I was about half undone and she was approaching my sports bra area, I realized I was wearing a white shorts bra. The bandages were wet. Do you see where I am going with this? If I were in Cancun on Spring Break, I would have been the winner at their wet t-shirt contest, ten times over.

Thankfully, Kathy just handed me a towel and kept unravelling.

After I de-bandaged, I had to get measured again, so they could tell me how many "inches" I lost in just an hour and a half! I don't even remember what they said, I could not get out of there fast enough. I passed my friends, L and K in the parking lot as I was leaving. I made no attempt to stop them from entering.

When they were all done, we met up and ate McDonald's and ice cream. Counterproductive? Possibly. Necessary after the trauma of a body wrap? Definitely.

Lesson learned #1: Body wraps are crap.
Lesson learned #2: If you find out about an event or procedure or general thing in the back of a magazine at a Greek Pita joint in Salisbury, Maryland...well...proceed with caution. In fact, you may want to avoid it all together.


Nancy Campbell said...

My favorite part is that you walked right by your friends. Hilarious.

The E's said...

an HOUR and a HALF? Jesus F! Between the Bikram and the Wraps I'd think that sweating isn't really your thing if it's not done in a more "traditional" work out setting...great story though!

Linda said...

Okay, I will admit I am 58 years old and not getting any younger.I know one day, I probably will require "adult protection" (aka DIAPERS). However, after reading your blog, I will be going immediately to the nearest drug store to purchase a pack of DEPENDS, if only to wear while reading your blog!!!!!!

I literally WET MY PANTS laughing. Oh, and of course I will invest in waterproof mascara). Because my child, I too was a victim of the mad-wrapper, although this was back in the 80's and they actually got me to purchase capsules THAT BURNED FAT WHILE YOU SLEPT.