Friday, January 15, 2010

Twice Bitten

At one time, ok several times, in Pman's first few weeks post-utero, I said, "Why would anyone do this more than once?" This has very little to do with the NICU and everything to do with standard issued- issues; sleeplessness, heightened stress level, frustration and a general- Now What? feeling.

Along with knowing I wanted to be a mom, I have also always known I wanted more than 1 child, in fact I see us settling around the 3 or 4 mark.

Quite a few of my friends will be having babies in the next few months. Some have been trying for years and will finally realized their dream in mere weeks, some are pregnant because of a happy accident and for some this is their second and possibly last trip down this road. I have quietly watched all these women on their journey through pregnancy into full fledged motherhood.

I had a few panic attacks, which Josh met with grace and wine, about how would we handle another baby? Parker is actually a pretty good kid, so it's not like he's a terror and has scared me or something. The source of this fear of baby #2 was unknown, but the fear was real and it was deep.

After polling friends, who have more than 1 child, and random moms in the grocery store, Target and the gym, I have determined that there is no perfect age difference. Like everything else related to parenting, you just have to do what feels right for you and embrace those feelings. It seems no matter how “ready” you think you are there are spontaneous moments of pure unpredictable joy and other times when you just put your head down, count to ten and make dinner.

Before I get any frantic phone calls, I am not pregnant. However, I am not scared of it anymore.

Parker loves me (or seems to at least) as much, if not more than ever, but he needs me less and less. He seems to be able to do a new thing on his own every day. This message came in loud and clear last Saturday. Josh and I went out to dinner in DC with some friends and a sitter came to watch Pman. She gave him dinner, put on his PJ's and put him to bed. She reported that he did not scream, cry or cause any issues because of my absence- this makes me sad and happy.

As Josh and I approach the settlement date of our "grown-up house" our conversations seem to weave and wind their way back to the inevitable question- Baby #2? I admit, this question is typically brought up by yours truly. I mean we have all these bedrooms!

The more we talk about it, the more I like the idea of expanding our family. The more I want to expand our family.

As I have mentioned before that I will be turning 30 this year (psst- I'm actually excited to be out of my 20's). I will be running IN the Baltimore Marathon in October as part of a relay team- please understand I am not running the WHOLE marathon. (Current stats: 4 miles in 50 minutes! wooot wooot!) My goal is to do the marathon before I get pregnant again.

I realize plans have a way of changing, but I get itchy if I do not at least have a plan. I can deal with it changing, but I need to know I had a direction in mind at one point.

Disclaimer: We are planning on going furniture shopping today when Pfunk wakes up from his nap. We are taking him with us to the furniture shopping place. This experience may cause me to change my mind altogether about baby #2.


Nancy C said...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, it's on now. I'll be expecting an announcement soon! :)

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, this sounds exactly like my thoughts these last few months!! I've been asking EVERYONE about age differences between their kids, etc because I want more but I'm SCARED! Glad to know I'm not alone!!

Jenn Pearson (Emma's mom)