Friday, October 22, 2010

Panty Ho

I have written previously about my love for the show Designing Women. Mix together Suzanne Sugarbaker and Anthony Bouvier.  Stir in the sarcastic wit of Julia and Mary Jo with a dash of Charlene's innocence and who would not swoon with delight.  A heartless, humorless sap that's who.

One episode in particular still makes me laugh to myself a little when I think about it. Charlene just had a baby.  She was a tired, lactating, sobbing mess- you mama's know the drill  She was telling the ladies of the Sugarbaker Design Office about her new mommy woes and how she tripped in a doctor's office and dropped baby suppositories all over the floor.  The tripping culprit? Twisted up pantyhose. 

She said, "My pantyhose are so twisted I've been walking like John Wayne all day."

Now, I am 100% against pantyhose.  A few years ago I gave myself a pass to never have to wear them again after an unfortunate butt chaffing incident that no one wants to hear about. 

They squeeze in on the wrong area on an apple shaped girl like myself.  They snag and run way too easily and they are generally very itchy.  Also, as Ms. Charlene points out they can get all twisted up and make you walk like you've been riding the range a wee bit too long on a horse that was a wee bit too wide.

So, there I was Friday morning not a thing to wear (because nothing is ironed).  Despite the fact that it is almost Halloween, I picked a summer dress and a sensible cardigan.  No pantyhose.

However, it is dreadfully chilly at 7a.m. and I did have to stop by the grocery store for something else I gave in.  I bought pantyhose.  Stockings. Tights.  Whatever.

I teach at a local community college.  My plan was to go into one of the typically empty bathrooms and pull my hose on in the privacy of an ill lit, very small potty stall.

The building is fairly new and the toilet are the automatic flush kind...they flush ALL the time.  When you open the stall door-flush.  When you sit down- flush- and gross.  When you reach for toilet paper- flush.  You get the picture. 

All the twisting and pulling and tugging and yanking was making that toilet flush like a reverse Old Faithful.

I finally wrestled the hose on and hoisted the "wasitband" up to my bra region, but some how the crotch part (sorry, I know it's a bit crass, but really what else is it?) was will some where near my ankles.

What seemed like hours later, I emerged from the stall- hose, mostly, in tact and in place and proceeded down the hall to my classroom.

About half way through the class I looked down.  It seems there was a stray plasticy thread thing on the inside of my shoe, shoes I have worn a million times before and never noticed any sort of plastic thread, had worked a hole in the heel of my hose.

Six dollars and one hour later- the damn things are torn.  They are still some what, if not mostly, twisted around my hips and thighs.  I have never wanted to comfort of sweatpants so badly- well...a pantyhose chaffed butt will make you want sweatpants in the worst way too.

The pantyhose band is back ON!

1 comment:

Lynsey said...

LOL give leggings a try, really! never thought i'd do it, but now i'm a sundress/boots/leggings-wearing fool. You can get some that are opaque and footless- my personal preference :) cuz, let's be real- SOME fashion trends these days are cute, and it can get damn cold!

PS....."I'M WEARING STRETCH PANTS!" "They're leeggginnngs." ahahaha