Snoring Will be the Death of Him

My last post sang the praises of Josh, now I will pull back the curtain a bit to reveal another side of Josh.

A loud side of Josh.

An annoying side of Josh.

The side of Josh that may cause me to punch him in the face in the middle of the night.

First I must let you know that I generally do not like sleeping, aside from when I was in my first trimester of pregnancy and when Psizzle was waking up a couple time throughout the night. I can get 5 hours of sleep and be a fully functioning person...well as fully functioning as Nikki Phillips can be. When I was in college I worked at a TV station for the morning news and would occasionally have to be at work at 3:30a.m. Yes, that is a.m. as in morning. As in I would be going to work as my drunken roommates would be coming home from bars. There were times that I went straight from a bar to work, those days never ended well, for many reasons.

Anyway, the point is I do not sleep much. This coupled with the fact that when I do sleep, I am a very light sleeper, will likely lead to me causing bodily harm to an unknowing Josh.

When we first started seriously dating I would drive from Annapolis to Lusby every Friday, so Josh and I could spend the weekends together. (This trip is about an hour long, maybe a bit more and I would do it again early on Monday morning.- True love doncha know...) We slept on a mattress- on the floor- that had a HUGE hole in the bottom middle portion. I mean really, I SO would not go for that now.

Anyway, I would ignore his snoring because I did not want him to think I was pushy or unagreeable or anything other than a sweet princess. However, that was 7 years ago, pre-marriage and pre-baby.

Last night, I was startled awake when after a few beats of not breathing, Josh did some sort of snorting deep inhale exhale thing. This was followed by a loud, steady snoring pattern.

Josh lay there peacefully curled up with mounts of pillows around him.

I lay next him seething in the dark.

Josh blissfully unaware rolls over to his other side, and finds a comfortable position for his legs. His snoring takes on different pattern- soft and unrhythmic rendering it impossible to get used to. Anyone who sleeps with a snorer knows that if you can get used to the rhythm of the ungodly noises coming from your "loved" one, you can thereby drown it out and hopefully go to sleep yourself.

I ball up my fits and attempt to talk myself out of assaulting him.

Josh, sleepily reaches up and scratches his nose, he is probably still sleeping when he does this too. The snoring stops for a second.

I thank God.

The snoring picks up again.

I curse Josh, his pillows and his sinuses. I also mentally go through the contents of my nightstand to see if I can remember any sort of clothespin like object. No luck. This is not 1950 and I do not have a clothesline on which to hang clothes, which would led me to having a need for clothespins.

By 4:30a.m. this sweet princess is ready to sucker punch her husband as he sleeps next to her, snoring away. I'm honestly surprised our neighbors have not complained. He has tried special pillows, which always seem to find their way to the foot of the bed, when they should be at the head, well under his head, really. He has tried sprays, nasal strips, pills, wedging pillows under himself putting him in a nearly sitting position. He even went to a sleep center and was observed as he snored away through the night. When the nurse discharged him the next morning she said, "You snore a lot. I feel sorry for your wife!"

Thank you, nurse.

So, if you see Josh and his nose is broken or he has a black eye, know that it was not likely caused by a fellow rugger during a match, it was cause by his snoring. That is, his incessant snoring finally set me into an uncontrollable fit of rage and my balled up fists simply took over.