Monday, June 23, 2008

I'm just saying, this is gross...

As evident by the mass amounts of phone calls, I seemed to have caused quite a stir with my last post. As of 11:15a.m. on Monday, June 23, 2008 the world is still minus a Parker Phillips. Although I am doing everything in my power to change that as quickly as possible.

A few smallish developments or progressions are occurring though since the last post. Jenny McCarthy wrote a fabulous "tell all" book about pregnancy, but I am about to take it to a level even she did not touch. I loved her book, "Belly Laughs" but some of the things she spoke about in her book did not happen to me- i.e. blue Twinkies (read the book), constipation (I eat a LOT of fruit and veggies), an inexplicable need to move furniture (I'm too lazy) and she ate an ENTIRE tray of brownies every night...yes every night for the last few weeks of pregnancy (goes against the rule I have of if I did not eat it before I was pregnant, I don't eat it now). The rest of the book is brilliant and I read it in a couple hours. The genius that is Ms. McCarthy did leave out a few things I wish I had been a bit more aware of pre-pregnancy.

Now, if you are easily grossed out, you may want to stop reading here.

There are a few words in the English language that really... I mean really gross me out. Like throw up in my mouth a little gross out. These words are glob, hunk, blob and mucus. However, all of these words, with the exception of mucus, are absolutely ok if they are accompanied by the word chocolate.

Keeping this in mind, the first gross thing I was unaware of is this thick mucusy discharge crap that comes out your special place in globby blobs. Now, I did not go to lamaze class. Perhaps this would have been discussed there and then would have been less of a surprise to me now, but I didn't go so there you have it. I'm not sure if this globby blob is made up of pieces of the mucus plug I keep hearing about, but either way I am not a fan! I am going to look into this more on the Internet, but I will say I was told by a health care professional that it is likely indicating that my mucus plug is loosening up. Which means this gross crap is not the acutal plug. Which means there is something even grosser lerking about- the actual plug. If this is the case and the plug is anything like I am imagining, I may just barf right in my own underwear when the actual plug comes out. Gross.

I would now like to add the word plug to the list of gross out words.

The other issue I was not aware of, that is probably not an issue that plagues only very pregnant women, but very large people as well.

There is no polite way to say this, at least not as polite as I described the plug issue, so I will just say it.

How the hell do you expect someone with so much going on up front to wipe their ass?

It is damn near impossible to bend over or reach around comfortably in order to clean the area appropriately. Forget the whole damn thing if you are in a public restroom, there is no where for you to go. You may as well open the stall door and ask a stranger to come help you out.

Now a year ago Josh and I went to Ireland for a wedding. We went with some people Josh played rugby with in college. One of those guys was telling us how his family owns a very successful plumbing business and in his own house they have a bidet. He was telling us that he feels that people who do not have regular access to these lovely contraptions are walking around with dirty asses. Of course none of us listening to him have bidets and we all immediately felt self-conscience. However, after dealing with this difficult issue during these very pregnant days, I understand where he is coming from. I find it easiest to just take a shower, rather than try to contort my large tummy in a way that makes wiping both effective and efficient.

Finally, you know how when you do something embarrassing you think/say to yourself, "I will never tell anyone I did that and I will just pretend it did not happen." And then time passes and you see the hilarity in the situation and you feel compelled to share, well here goes...

Last Thursday I had my doctor's appointment where I found out about the new developments in the dilation and effacement departments. I knew that a possible side effect from this exam was some bleeding, but I have not had a period in quite some time, so any bleeding seemed odd or like a danger sign. Thursday afternoon/evening I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I freaked out for a second and then calmed down and called my doctor. She asked me questions about the amount and what it looked like etc. My answers, which were probably a bit exaggerated, resulted in her suggesting I go to the maternity ward of the hospital and get checked out. I went, we were there for an hour and nothing. There was nothing. I am one of those ridiculous women who went to the maternity ward for basically no good reason. I was embarrassed because I feel like I have done a great job...a good job...a fairly decent far of taking everything in stride and not letting things frazzle me during this pregnancy.

But I slipped up and now there will probably be 2 remarks on my chart when I check in for the real thing. One will be- N. Phillips- came in and wasted our time for minor spotting after an internal exam. The other remark- Watch for husband J. Phillips- seems to have drug seeking behavior (see previous posts about ER visits).

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