Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Extreme Christmas Decorating

Fair WARNING: Tampon applicators will be mentioned in this entry! Not described, but mentioned.

I began decorating the house for Christmas today because we are planning on picking up our tree on Friday. Nothing amazing, we just go to Whole Foods and buy a 3' tree that is bolted to the stand, which is basically the size of Abby's food bowl. The whole shebang fits in the garbage can.

I was also in a decorating mood because I was home with a sick Pmonkey- just a little cold. We went to his doc and she said, "Keep doing what you are doing, if he gets better, great! If not, call me and we will call in a prescription." It's a cold, but not one bad enough for drugs...God, I cannot WAIT until he can have cough syrup. I just KNOW a little Tussin would knock the phlegm right out!

Anyway, I have all my Christmas decorations and other crap in this cubby hole of a storage space that is in my half bathroom on the main floor of my house. A piece of the wall pulls out and ta-da a Cave of Crap is revealed. I have lived in my house for nearly 7 years and I just...JUST realized there is a light in this cave. As I am pulling out Tupperware containers full of Yule tide cheer, Psizzle is taking it upon himself to unpack the containers and check things out. By the time I got back to the living room portion of the house, P had broken a candle holder that was nearly as old as me and taken a good sized bite out of a sparkly green candle.

The decorating continued thusly- I would put trinkets around and P would rearrange (read: hide) them. For example, I have 3 separate candles that spell out the word joy, again nearly 30 years old, and P took the O and hid it in the spice rack.

I had nearly emptied one tub o treasures, but when I looked around I realized I must have another container in the storage cubby because items I knew I had were missing. I put on my spelunking gear and head lamp and dove back in the cave. Ok, I'm kidding about the spelunking, but I would be lying if I said I did not break a sweat during this decorating process. I felt like a real tubby when I wiped sweat from my brow and was breathing at an increased rate after climbing the couch to hang lights. I swear, Pmonkey was looking at me like "OOOoooOOO you're gonna get in trooouuubbbllle!!"

As I dug around the cave, I figured P was unrolling the toilet paper or eating candles or hiding nearly all the decorations in the spice rack. However, I was wrong.

**WARNING TAMPON PORTION IS COMING**
Remember I said the cave is in the powder room? Know what else is in the powder room? The toilet and the trash can full of gross- snot rags, possibly some toenail clippings and yes, tampon applicators when appropriate.

As I emerged from the great beyond, I looked up and saw something that can only be described as horrifying.

There he was, happy as a clam- holding...a...tampon applicator that he very obviously got from the trash.

He was holding it up like a torch.

I'm not even going to speculate about how long he was holding it or where he possibly could have put it during my time in the cave. I just looked at him and said calmly, like a police office trying to negotiate with a bank robber about the safety of his hostage, "Parker, honey, that's yucky. Give it to mommy please."

He handed it over. Thankfully.

After we both washed our hand- vigorously, I continued Operation: Decorate. One of the items I discovered on my quest was a little P-man sized snowman that is actually a toilet paper holder. He is packed in an old box and Styrofoam. As I was disinfecting the bathroom after the tampon incident, P-Claus took on the responsibly of pulling apart the Styrofoam and creating a snow-like effect.

Giving up all hope, I grabbed my camera, stood on the toilet and took these pictures as Dave Matthews Band's "Christmas Song" played in the background (incidentally, this is one of my favorite holiday songs):




I knew instantly though this would be one of those moments that I won't forget- the year Parker decorated with tampon applicators and Styrofoam snow.

Incidentally, when I relayed this story to Josh he asked, “Was it a used one?!” He went through the same denial process as me. Instead of confirming anything or saying what I’m sure a lot of you are thinking P- a teething toddler- likely did with the tampon applicator, I just said, “Well, he got it from the trash, so yes, it was likely a used one.”


The conversation ended there. Thankfully.

2 comments:

Nancy Campbell said...

Ick. And my life as well.

Oh, I heard this trick and you'll have to try it out on Pman. Slather his feet with Vicks vapo-rub (kid version) and put socks on his feet.

My friend SWEARS it knocks the cough out.

stacey.hall2008 said...

Wow- I am still laughing very hard!

My child had the toilet brush in her hands/mouth one day while my mom was visiting. My mom asked me why Sarah had the potatoe scrubber in her hands!! I guess that is why my mom has always had a house cleaner!