Teething: Hell on Earth

Parker has begun teething. There is no easy or child-friendly way to say this- teething is a bitch.

Hell personified (at least up to this point of parenthood) is a teething infant.

Parker does not cry he is flat out screaming in pain. And if he can do this directly in my ear while tugging on fists full of my hair, all the better. Parker seems to be a misery love company type of kid.

Anyway, last night it took us from 9:30p.m. until 2:30a.m. to get him to finally fall asleep and stay that way. Josh and I took 1 hour shifts until the mission was complete. Finally around 2:00a.m. I gave him a shot of infant Tylenol and a few more ounces of formula and that did the trick. Although at some point during the day a friend suggested whiskey as a remedy to soothe the teething. I am still not sure if she meant the whiskey to be for Josh and me or Parker or a shot for each of us! I think the third option sounds the most reasonable.

This morning he was obviously still uncomfortable when he woke up around 9:15a.m.

I bought some infant Orajel a few days ago for just this occasion. The directions indicate that babies should not have the gel until they are 4 months old. We are mere days away from 4 month, so I gave in and rubbed some on his gums. Now I have never had to use Orajel so I was not aware exactly what would happen. So, like everything I give him, I took a dose myself.

Side note: The directions on the Orajel box also say you should not give it to baby more than 4 times a day for no more than 7 days. To this I say, "Why?'
Is Parker going to develop some sort of addiction?
Will I find him hurling himself out of the crib and army crawling to the kitchen to get his fix?
If the Orajel makes the crying stop, I think I can weather the Orajel addiction. I mean I pretty much control the situation anyway. Parker can't even hold his own bottle, I'm pretty confident that I can wrestle away a tube of Orajel.

Anyway, in the last 4 months I have taken infant Tylenol, infant Orajel, Mylicon, Gripe Water, infant vitamins and drank a mouthful of formula. The next question I usually get is, "What about breast milk?"
No.
No you sicko, I did not drink my own breast milk.
Which, by the by I am no longer nursing and I am wearing a normal bra again! All of you rejoice with me!

The Orajel numbed the area of my tongue I put it on and I'm guessing did the same for the little monkey, except on his gums.

Stay tuned because through all of this I can see that his gums on the bottom are white, but I cannot see or feel any teeth, so this is really just the beginning!

Also in other news (WARNING: cussing about to commence):
This is a notice to all strangers, especially those who are currently cleaning the floor at the local grocery store.
Ahem:
KEEP YOU EVER LOVING HANDS OFF MY BABY, BITCH!

(understand I am not calling Parker a bitch, rather I am referring to the grocery store employee)

The other day Parker, Josh and I were at the grocery store. Now, I realize P-man is exceptionally cute and this makes people want to touch him. However, if you are mopping up slop on the floor of a grocery store, please refrain from touching my child.
I was a few feet away and Parker was in his stroller, which Josh was pushing. The lady commented on the cutest of him (P-man, not Josh) and reached in to touch him. I shot Josh a looked that said, "Run her over! Run the bitch over with the stroller and don't look back!" Instead Josh stood there amazed that a stranger would do such a thing.
I ended up saying, "Parker, come to mommy."
And Josh awkwardly smiled and the grocery store employee and rolled away in my direction.

Apparently this is an epidemic. A girl I know had a stranger pull the pacifier out of her child's mouth to "see his precious face"

Sweet corn!? Who are these people!?

Nikki? Who Exactly is Nikki?

A funny thing happened today, a friend asked me how I am doing. She said, "I read the blog, but how are YOU doing?"

She is not the first person to ask me this question. However, this is the first time I tried to answer the question without referencing anything related to Parker. I sat there for about 5 minutes attempting to answer this very simple basic question.

This question that most people answer without even thinking. In fact, I have on occasion answered this question when I was not even really asked, but it was assumed that was going to be the next thing the person on the other end of the conversation was going to say or ask.

This question that most people just want the standard, "I'm fine." or "Good, you?" or "Great thanks!" type of answer.

However, because my friend put the YOU in capital letters, I felt the need to attempt to answer her without mention of my little monkey man. I do not feel I was very successful since my answer was something about work, which is neither entertaining nor does it actually answer her question. I guess I'm just a momblob now chocked full of stories about P-man's latest adventure, but is minimally aware of herself and her own actions.

In case you are wondering though we took monkey to get some pictures taken today, like I don't take enough of them already. I apparently felt the need to pay strangers $160 for pictures that pretty much could have been done at home with a white fleece blanket and a boppy.

P.S. Boppy's are ok, but in my honest opinion are WAY over rated.

P.P.S. I wanted to get pictures of him in his Halloween costume, but by then the little bugger had enough of it and started crying, but we got some great shots nonetheless.

Back to the entry and me.
So to those veteran mom's out there...how do you answer the question, How are you?
Am I resigned to a lifetime of answering that question by going into a diatribe about Parker's latest poopy, or teething issues, or goal scored, or SAT scores etc. etc. etc.? I did not have this problem when it was just Josh, Abby and me.

I will say this though my singing abilities have gone down hill. I was in All County Chorus (ACC) in high school, for two years. I was in some sort of choral group from 5th grade through 12th and had a brief stint in college. I really liked, well I guess I still like, singing. I was by no means American Idol status, but I was good enough to at least be singled out by whoever picked the members of ACC and I liked that. However, recently I can't even carry a tune in my hand, it would just slip out like jello.

So to answer the question how am I?
I will say, I am great, but the rapid decline of my singing ability makes me slightly sad. Maybe one day I will try to join some sort of North Beach community choral group. However, I do not have high hopes since the only practice I get is in the car with one Monkey Phillips. I fear my chances are low of getting in this imaginary singing group. I also fear Parker will think that humming Somewhere Over the Rainbow in a way that makes it some how seem like the song is being played through bagpipes, will not fair well for his future singing career either.

And see it all came back to him!

HELP

Cry Baby

The gym will not only not change poopy diapers, but they will interrupt a work out to tell you that your baby will NOT stop crying.

I was about half way through my work out and the day care girl came up to me and said, "Mrs. Phillips...you are the last mom I ever expected to have to do this for, but we cannot get Parker to stop crying."

Then she stared at me until I figured out that this meant I had to stop working out and go deal with the monkey. This actually took me a few seconds to realized because I was in denial that I was not going to get to finish my work out because my son was being a crank.

I followed her to the day care area and sure enough I found a screaming Paker with a very red face and tears practically flying out of his ducts.

I tried, unsuccessfully, to soothe him so I could resume my work out (mother of the year, I know). When I realized that he was just not having it, I packed up his stuff and shuffled out the door with my head down. The door that is literally 6 feet from where I just was with screaming baby numero uno.

He stopped crying as soon as I got outside.

I mean immediately.

Immediately.

I almost turned back around to resume my work out.

Almost.

Instead, I continued the very short walk to the car, whereupon I put the monkey in his seat and before I walked around to the driver's side, he was sleeping.

Seriously?!!?

So I drove the boardwalk near our house and walked. While he slept in the stroller.

Yes I had the stroller with me, come on!

This was a Tuesday which meant he was going to go to the sitters house while I went to school to teach. I tried to warn the sitter that he was in an ornery mood and relayed the story of the gym. At which time, monkey started laughing...he actually started laughing. When I looked at him and said, "Parker, it is not funny to get kicked out of the gym." He smiled.

He repeated this reaction when I told Josh of our gym adventure...or misadventure as it were.

(I fear for our future if he is already getting kicked out of places and laughing about it...)

I guess in the end I can understand where he is coming from, sometimes, it is just not a gym kind of day.

Above is a picture of him smiling, no doubt he is thinking about how he got us kicked out of the gym.

Below is a picture of him giving his "pound" fist. He is so hip! Do the kids even say hip, these days?

Harvard? Is that you on the phone...

MENSA should be beating down my front door any minute.

Parker is 3 months old and he is holding his own rattle and...AND the boy genius rolled over! Clearly we have the next Phelps on our hands here...rolling over from your tummy to your back is an Olympic event, right?

I have packed away all of his newborn and 0-3 month clothes and washed and put away his "big boy" 3-6 month clothes.

He rolls all around in his crib and when I go to get him in the morning- after he has SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT- he is rarely in the same position he was in when I left him.

Now, I realize that this brings wonder and amazement to me and all who know me. Parker is growing so much and literally seems to change everyday or at least every 3 days. After a nap he loves to cuddle with his mom and he is starting to pay more and more attention when I read to him at night.

However, he is still very much a baby. I mean he doesn't even have teeth and he drools on himself regularly...wait doesn't that describe at least half of the guys I knew in college? Anyway, he is a baby...he poops in his pants and wait actually I think I knew some guys in college who did
that too...I'm getting distracted here and little off topic...
P.S. his pooping issues seem to be under control for now.

Let me try another approach.
A few weeks ago Josh and I celebrated 2 years of wedded bliss. We decided to go out to dinner mainly because it was that or have Doritos and Zima for dinner to celebrate the occasion. It was a Monday night and we figured most restaurants would be empty, so taking the monkey with us would be ok. Sometimes he can be a little...how shall I say this...socially unacceptable.
We were correct about the resturant being empty. (And the monkey was very well behaved.)

So, as we wheeled Parker up to the hostess stand.

In his stroller.

He was laying down in.

Because although he is a boy genius he cannot sit up yet. The young, naive hostess asked us if we want a kids menu.

HA.

Why do you have my breast milk as a feature item?

Bless her heart, sweet little thing.

I told her no, he has no teeth and I have a bottle for him.

A few days later I went out to lunch with a friend and Parker and the hostess asked if I wanted a highchair.

Well thank you darlin! While I only have about 3 to 5 more pounds to go until I am at my pre-baby weight, my ass is not small enough to fit into one of those cute high chairs. Also, I am tall enough to not only sit at the "grown-up table" but see over it as well!

When she pointed to Parker, who was busy bouncing his head around like that of a minor league baseball players' bobble-head doll they give out on opening day, I simply shook my head and said he was fine in the stroller.

All that aside. On to another one of my favorite topics: Ice cream.
Have you heard that some group in Europe somewhere wants Ben and Jerry's to start using breast milk, instead of cows milk, in their ice cream. Human breast milk.

Aside from the gross...extremely gross factor of breast milk in ice cream, who in their right mind would sign up to donate this milk. Would this be an acutal job with a W-2 and pention plan? "Hi my name is Nikki Phillips and I am here to hook-up ala cow on a dairy farm style! When is my lunch break?"

I'm just going to run to the store

"Kissy Face"

Think about your weekend. How many times did you say, "I'm just going to run to the store. I'll be right back." I bet you said it at least once. I will also bet that before you even finished the phrase you had run your errand and were on your way home. This is unless you have a kid.

I have learned that "I'm just going to run to the store. I'll be right back." is a laughable phrase. This is because it gives the illusion of things happening quickly. The only things that happen quickly are the headaches that come during/after one of Parker's screaming sessions, the groggy trip down the stairs in the middle of the night to feed him and how dirty the house gets mere seconds after I clean it. (Which, p.s. is not often these days.) Actually that is not that fair, Parker has had a few night where he has slept all the way through and even on his worse nights he only gets up once or twice, so I better shut-up about that.

Back to the point at hand- moving quickly from point A to point B is a non-possiblity now. When I make the choice to go to the store to just to pick up a few things, I end up being gone for about 4 days. Us new mom's have to think about the following things:
-Does his diaper need to be changed?
-Is it likely that it will need to be changed while we are out? If I do not bring diapers there is guaranteed to be an explosion worthy of a HAZMAT team, so I might as well change him now and bring a jumbo pack of diapers with me.
-When is he suppose to eat again? I will bring a bottle just in case...maybe I will bring two just in case, never know when there may be traffic, nevermind the store is pretty much within walking distance.
-Hummm the store is within walking distance, should I walk and try to burn some extra mommy calories?
-No I will drive.
-Is the stroller in the car? Yes! I'm so on the ball!
-But maybe I should make sure the baby holster is in there too because how am I going to push a cart and a stroller?
-Should I change the baby so he is in warmer clothes, grocery stores/Walmart/etc. can get cold?

The whole thing makes me want to turn Amish and live off the land...HA! I bet Jedidiah's wife isn't worried about pushing a stroller and a grocery cart at the same time.

Clearly you can see how a "quick trip" to the store is anything but.
By the time you leave the house you are so bogged down with crap it's not even worth it.
Also, while at the store you have to deal with the other people who ventured out that day. When people in Target stop me to see how old he is and then ask to see his face as I am balancing him, a box of wipes, a new pair of shoes, CD, dog treats and something I am going to try and pass off as dinner all in my arms, I want to SCREAM at them and say, "Take the baby ok, hold him and stare at his face while I load up the car...you are not like a sex offender or kidnapper are you?!"

I'm learning this is all a balancing act between my life prior to mommyhood and my life now, between what was important and what is important and between tv shows I used to love to watch and reading to Parker. Yes I read to him and he seems to like it I swear.

So if you learn something from me today learn that being a mom does not mean giving up the person you are now, in fact if you do give up that person you will go crazy.

Also, I will share with you the best thing in the world. It has nothing to do with cheesecake or chocolate, nor does it even compare to an affordable Prada purse or fitting into jeans you wore in high school. The best thing in the world is when your son looks you straight in the eyes and smiles at you because you are his mommy.

Poop Happens...or not

The poopy saga continues.
When Parker first came home all of his diapers were filled with or had reminiscent of both tinkles and poopies. As of late, as mentioned in the previous posts, the diapers had been lacking the poo portion.
After several suppositories (4 actually...well actually it was 2 whole infant suppositories cut in half longways) I called the doctor's office and made an appointment thinking clearly something was wrong and fearing that something was related to all the drama in Parker's first 2 weeks of life.
This is how the exchange went:

Me: Doctor, he is not pooping. He will go if I give him 1/2 a suppository, which I have been doing every 24 hours.

Doctor: What does it look like when he goes?

Me: Mustard. Mustard with seeds in it. (sorry if I just forever ruined mustard for you)

Doctor: Ok, that is good. How often have you given him suppositories?

At this point a thought is now crossing my mind, since I just told her I have been doing this every 24 hours and the tone of her question was not that of information gathering, but more of a "you did what?" tone, I'm thinking I may be doing something wrong...

Me: Ummm...every 24 hours....

Doctor: Ok...
Once babies turn about 2 months their digestive systems start to mature. It is completely normal and ok for them to not have a bowel movement for 2 to 3 days. If by the end of the 4th day he still has not gone, give him a suppository and call me.

Me: So I am over medicating him.

Doctor: Well...I'm sure you were worried.

Now, here I am approaching day #3 of no BM from Parker. I am trying very hard not to give him the suppositories. In fact, we are once again at my parents house so he could meet his Aunt Megan. I did not bring the suppositories with me, so that I would not be tempted to use them. However, on Saturday night I broke down and bought some. Josh came to Rite Aid with me and again, I had an interesting interaction involving the baby butt bullets (BBB).
I walked up to the counter with Josh and put the BBB and a pack of gum on the counter. I said, "Baby suppositories and gum...just another Saturday night." The checkout girl giggled, but was probably thinking, "shut up."
So I pushed on with my comedy routine because if you cannot have a sense of humor about inserting medicine into your son's hind-quarters, what can you have a sense of humor about?
Anyway, I then said, "And we don't even have a baby!"
That got a chuckle from the Rite Aid checkout girl and I felt like I made her night a little brighter, yeh me!

We came home and I set the jar of suppositories on the counter and stared at them, much like a recovering alcoholic must start at a bottle of vodka at the company Christmas party.
"I'll just give him one more half and then I will let his system handle the BM's from then on. Just one more man! One more for old time's sake, just to give me something to remember!!!"

Similarly to that successful recovering alcoholic though, I did not cave. Parker (and I) have been suppository free since Wednesday morning and it is now Sunday early afternoon. (He moved things through on his own Thursday evening.)

I promise this will not turn into the Poop Chronicles of Parker Phillips. However, my life is revolving around the digestive system of an almost 11 week old.

I did go back to work, teaching at College of Southern Maryland part time. I love it because it is the best of both worlds. I get to spend the majority of my day monitoring Parker's diapers, but I get to be a normal adult for a few hours each week too.

Josh has to go out of town for work this week, which means it will be me vs. Parker ...or I mean me and Parker Tuesday through Thursday night. It's anyone's game and the lightening round at the end will determine the true winner, stay tuned!

*UPDATE*

I feel I rightfully earned my mom badge during the NICU situation. However, I would like someone to tell me where I can go to collect my gold star to be placed on said badge.

I ended up having to give Parker a suppository. I had to cut it in half long-ways. I gave..inserted...placed the first half a few days ago and there was a major explosion and thankfully I was not home, but Josh was. This morning I gave him the other half and again, he produced the desired results, but I was on the receiving end this time. I tried to tell Josh that it is not my policy to change explosive poopy diapers. He rolled his eyes and walked away...

Also, p.s. I missed the first explosive diaper because I was out buying jeans as I have none. I did have to get a pair that are a size bigger than I was this time last year, BUT I did find one style in the GAP and I was able to buy my normal size! Sadly, I was not all that happy with my "normal" size, but I joined the gym and am on a mission, so hopefully I'm on the right track to loosing a little more weight...if not I know where I can get some suppositories to help things along...