I'm just saying, this is gross...

As evident by the mass amounts of phone calls, I seemed to have caused quite a stir with my last post. As of 11:15a.m. on Monday, June 23, 2008 the world is still minus a Parker Phillips. Although I am doing everything in my power to change that as quickly as possible.

A few smallish developments or progressions are occurring though since the last post. Jenny McCarthy wrote a fabulous "tell all" book about pregnancy, but I am about to take it to a level even she did not touch. I loved her book, "Belly Laughs" but some of the things she spoke about in her book did not happen to me- i.e. blue Twinkies (read the book), constipation (I eat a LOT of fruit and veggies), an inexplicable need to move furniture (I'm too lazy) and she ate an ENTIRE tray of brownies every night...yes every night for the last few weeks of pregnancy (goes against the rule I have of if I did not eat it before I was pregnant, I don't eat it now). The rest of the book is brilliant and I read it in a couple hours. The genius that is Ms. McCarthy did leave out a few things I wish I had been a bit more aware of pre-pregnancy.

Now, if you are easily grossed out, you may want to stop reading here.

There are a few words in the English language that really... I mean really gross me out. Like throw up in my mouth a little gross out. These words are glob, hunk, blob and mucus. However, all of these words, with the exception of mucus, are absolutely ok if they are accompanied by the word chocolate.

Keeping this in mind, the first gross thing I was unaware of is this thick mucusy discharge crap that comes out your special place in globby blobs. Now, I did not go to lamaze class. Perhaps this would have been discussed there and then would have been less of a surprise to me now, but I didn't go so there you have it. I'm not sure if this globby blob is made up of pieces of the mucus plug I keep hearing about, but either way I am not a fan! I am going to look into this more on the Internet, but I will say I was told by a health care professional that it is likely indicating that my mucus plug is loosening up. Which means this gross crap is not the acutal plug. Which means there is something even grosser lerking about- the actual plug. If this is the case and the plug is anything like I am imagining, I may just barf right in my own underwear when the actual plug comes out. Gross.

I would now like to add the word plug to the list of gross out words.

The other issue I was not aware of, that is probably not an issue that plagues only very pregnant women, but very large people as well.

There is no polite way to say this, at least not as polite as I described the plug issue, so I will just say it.

How the hell do you expect someone with so much going on up front to wipe their ass?

It is damn near impossible to bend over or reach around comfortably in order to clean the area appropriately. Forget the whole damn thing if you are in a public restroom, there is no where for you to go. You may as well open the stall door and ask a stranger to come help you out.

Now a year ago Josh and I went to Ireland for a wedding. We went with some people Josh played rugby with in college. One of those guys was telling us how his family owns a very successful plumbing business and in his own house they have a bidet. He was telling us that he feels that people who do not have regular access to these lovely contraptions are walking around with dirty asses. Of course none of us listening to him have bidets and we all immediately felt self-conscience. However, after dealing with this difficult issue during these very pregnant days, I understand where he is coming from. I find it easiest to just take a shower, rather than try to contort my large tummy in a way that makes wiping both effective and efficient.

Finally, you know how when you do something embarrassing you think/say to yourself, "I will never tell anyone I did that and I will just pretend it did not happen." And then time passes and you see the hilarity in the situation and you feel compelled to share, well here goes...

Last Thursday I had my doctor's appointment where I found out about the new developments in the dilation and effacement departments. I knew that a possible side effect from this exam was some bleeding, but I have not had a period in quite some time, so any bleeding seemed odd or like a danger sign. Thursday afternoon/evening I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I freaked out for a second and then calmed down and called my doctor. She asked me questions about the amount and what it looked like etc. My answers, which were probably a bit exaggerated, resulted in her suggesting I go to the maternity ward of the hospital and get checked out. I went, we were there for an hour and nothing. There was nothing. I am one of those ridiculous women who went to the maternity ward for basically no good reason. I was embarrassed because I feel like I have done a great job...a good job...a fairly decent job...so far of taking everything in stride and not letting things frazzle me during this pregnancy.

But I slipped up and now there will probably be 2 remarks on my chart when I check in for the real thing. One will be- N. Phillips- came in and wasted our time for minor spotting after an internal exam. The other remark- Watch for husband J. Phillips- seems to have drug seeking behavior (see previous posts about ER visits).

T minus...? until baby time

After each doctors appointment I feel the need to share what happened in the office with all of you who read this blog...I say all, but really it is probably like 5...but whatever
Anyway, today 4 things happened that are noteworthy:

1. Triumph of all triumphs I lost 3 pounds. I know it seems odd, but I'm told it's normal and no biggie (especially considering what I am about to tell you). I'm not saying I mind the weight gain really, I mean I'm growing a person, there is bound to be some added poundage. However, I am seeing numbers on the scale I never thought I would see. I wouldn't mind seeing these same numbers in a different combination, but the combo I got going on right now it frankly depressing at best.

2. My blood pressure is elevated, which means I am back on serious bed rest putting an end to my workout routine, much to the dismay of Abby and myself. The fear is that my blood pressure, which has been very normal until today, will led to preeclamsia complications during delivery. She did mention though that I can still have sex with Josh to move things along. Apparently there is no danger of elevating my blood pressure there...sorry Josh. I will say, this is just a means to an end and is very different from any pre-pregnancy martial relations we had.

3 and 4 (Because there is no way to split these two up). Last week you may recall I was still 1.5 cm dilated and there was no effacement action. Well today I am nearly 4 cm dilated (you need to be 10 cm to begin pushing, but from what I understand you can get the epidural once you are in the 3 to 4 cm range) and I am 50% effaced.

I have big plans to get this epidural. The way I see it, no one is handing out $10,000 bills to women who squeeze the kid out without the help of an epidural. I also hear about women not getting one because they don't want to be in a drug induced state nor do they want their baby to be drugged up upon delivery. To them I say, "Why the hell not!?" This is a pretty traumatic situation for everyone involved and aside from the doctor who has to catch the slippery little sucker, everyone should be heavily medicated!

I still...yes STILL have to get the car seat securely in my car and I have yet to pack my hospital bag.

My mom bought Parker 2 pairs of socks. When I did his laundry last week, I washed all 4 socks and now I have 1 sock...individual...left. Good thing he is a summer baby and probably will not need socks within the first few days, so I have some time there.

I will keep you all as posted as I can between now and delivery time. My goal is to keep this blog going even after he comes (all you mommies out there, stop laughing). I know it will not be as easy as it is now, but it will still be possible.

All joking aside for a second, when I called Josh and my mom after the appointment to inform them of the new developments, I could not stop crying. It was not a nervous or scared cry. I am just so excited that after all the blogging, registering, emotion, anticipation etc. my little guy- this amazing person that is Josh and me- is about to be here, in this world, living, breathing, laughing.

P.S. Tomorrow is June 20, which is my sister, Lynsey's, 22nd Birthday. I think it would be beyond cool if Parker and Lynsey have the same birthday. Although, I have two other sisters and I guess there would be some pressure to have two more babies on each of their birthday's...

Told you so...

Just a quick update-
1. Still no baby and Josh conveniently caught a nasty cold, so my plans of attacking him to make this move a bit faster have been squashed for now. I am still working out like mad, although my mom has informed me that she is very busy at work this week and if I went into labor, it would not be good for her.

2. The crib is put together complete with dust ruffle and bumper. Parker's clothes and blankets have been washed and put away. I talked to him while I was doing this so he will know where everything goes when he is here, I'm not going to be doing this for him forever!

3. For Mother's Day this year Josh- lovely, thoughtful, generous- Josh got me a card and a potted Gerber daisy. (I managed to kill the daisy within the first few days- I am no gardener. However, some how Josh brought it back to life and instead of the 2 blooms that were there originally, now there are 3! I am hoping this is not foreshadowing our parenting skills, otherwise, Parker is in for quite an interesting life- he will either sprout new parts or live a life of dehydration and malnutrition.) Anyway, for Mother's Day I get a card and a flower. When I asked Josh what he would like to Father's Day he said, "A massage."
Ummm...what?

Does that seem fair?

Well keeping true to form, I got him the massage package and laid on a HEAVY guilt trip. My birthday is July 16 and considering I am also giving birth days prior to my own birthday, I expect BIG things. I will keep you posted on any developments.

4. After the above mentioned massage, Josh bought me lunch (1/2 a pound of steamed shrimp- $10.00, massage package for Josh- $120.00...seems fair, no?) and then we went grocery shopping. Josh does not like me to go by myself at this point for fear that I will go into the labor at the store. This is a fear we share...how embarrassing would that be!?

Do I go to the register and ring up my order, or just leave the cart there?

What would we do for food when I came home from the hospital? Clearly, I cannot leave Josh to
his own devices in a grocery store, who knows what I would end up with.

Do I finish my soy chai tea from the Safeway Starbucks or just hand it off to another customer, like a baton in a relay race?

Would I need to let Special Ed the stock boy know that a MAJOR clean up needs to occur in aisle 5?

These are just some of the questions running through my head about this issue.

Anyway, while at the store, we saw a new mom there with a little baby girl. The mom asked me how much longer I had, what I was having, you know all the usual questions*. As I am answering these questions for a stranger, for the millionth time, another woman with a baby walks by, says nothing and frankly, I barely noticed her. When Josh and I got to the next aisle, he informed me that the other lady was one of the people from his old job, the one I mentioned in here before, the one Josh quit and told them we were moving to the Eastern Shore. We ran into her in a grocery store about 10 miles from our house, which is NOT located on the Eastern Shore. LOVE IT!

*If you have ever graduated high school/college, gotten married or had a baby you know what these questions are. You hear them over and over again. Occasionally, you will get an oddball question or an inappropriate one, but they are all the same for each situation and there are even some "cross-over" questions:
-Are you excited/nervous/ready?
-When? (as in: are you leaving/working and/or: is the big day)
-Then there is usually some mention of money, either how expensive something is or how much you will receive for your accomplishments.
This interaction is usually concluded by the other person, stranger or not, filling you in on some tragic/not-so entertaining/ predictable story of their own circulated around the event.
I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it, I do it myself sometimes, but it is very interesting, no?

Isn't this putting the cart slightly before the horse?

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant.
Last week when I went to the doctor, Parker was measuring right where he should be (we were both at 36 weeks). In fact on the growth chart I was shown he was dead center average size for a 36 week baby.
I went today, a week and 2 days later, and somehow my son has managed to surpass me by about 2 weeks.

I have been pregnant for 37 weeks, but I now have a 39 week old baby in my tummy. This means that Parker hit another growth spurt. I also gained 4 pounds in one week (all him) and I have been working out like mad trying to get myself to dilate some more...no luck!

Great.

How exciting for me.

However, I did find out that I am positive for Strep B. It is a fairly common thing and nothing to worry about really. It just means that there is a virus in the birth canal and when my water breaks (hopefully within the next hour or so...HA!) I will have to be given an antibiotic to ensure Parker does not catch this infection on his way out.
Another however, my doctor also informed me that I am "narrow" and would probably have trouble passing a 10 pound baby. Therefore, I would probably need a c-section should he get that big. Well, reread the beginning of this particular blog and you will see that I may very well be on my way to a 10 pounder! This means that Strep B thing may be an even smaller/non issue, but I will still get the antibiotic when my water breaks just in case.

When my doctor told me that he was measuring at 39 weeks I said, "Ok great! Next week works for me, let's get him out!"

My doctor just laughed.

I informed her I was being serious and that I am ready. This is no laughing matter.

She called me crazy and laughed again.

I'm guessing this means that the only way Parker will come next week is if I am able to shake him out myself, and believe me I am trying.

As I was leaving the office, the receptionist said, "Just walk a lot and have sex."
She whispered the "and have sex" part. Like that is something taboo, having sex--with your husband. Clearly that is how I got in this predicament! (and it may hold the key to get me out of it-- lucky, or not so lucky, Josh!)

Don't get me wrong. I do love being pregnant. However, something changes in your last few weeks of pregnancy, at least it has for me.

I'm tired of having to hoist myself out of cars and the couch while making a grunting noise. It is nearly impossible for me to go from a sitting to standing position without sounding like I am trying to pass a boulder through my rectum.

I'm tired of people commenting on my pregnancy and it's relation to the heat. First of all 100 degrees is hot, pregnant or not. Second, do you think commenting on it makes it better? Well it does not, so shut up and bring me some ice water damn it!

I'm also really getting weirded out by the fact that I have an actual person inside me. Before when he was just a faceless tad pole, I liked that I was protecting him and helping him grow. Well he is now identifiable as a baby and he can survive outside of me, so let's do it already!

I still have to do his laundry and get his crib together. These are all things I plan on doing over the weekend, then any thing goes.

Let's get the show on the road already, sheesh!

Breast feeding and carpet cleaning

My carpet cleaning went well and was fairly uneventful. The most significant thing that happened was Abby and I were pretty much locked in my room because the carpets and couch were too wet to use for a majority of the day. When I finally took her outside, it was like a scene out of...well a movie where people come out of a cave into civilization after being in said cave for quite some time. Neither of us could open our eyes all the way and there was a bit of stumbling as we stepped off the porch. All is dry and clean now and we are back to living and moving throughout the entire house.

On Tuesday night I went to a breastfeeding class. I had heard that this was a good class to take and you learn a lot of useful information and a lot of that information I forgot as soon as the words left the instructor's mouth.
I had also heard that dads are welcome to attend the class. This is odd to me seeing as I will be doing the breast feeding. Josh has nipples, but you can't milk him Focker!

Friends of ours went to this class too and the wife made the husband come along. I knew she was going to make him come and about an hour before the class, I feared that I would look bad not having a husband there.
Not to worry, I had already made up a story in my head about how he would have come, but he was stuck in a meeting where he was getting a very generous promotion and his company was also going to buy us a boat.

My friend's husband ended up being the only guy there.

I just felt that it was not necessary for Josh to be there. If there was any burning important information he needed to know, I could just as easily tell him upon my return, provided I was not sworn to secrecy upon leaving the class, which I wasn't.

After attending the 2 hour class, I found there was no information that Josh needed to know in order for my breast feeding experience to be successful. It was suggested that the dads, or the PC term the instructor used- mommy's support system, could help keep the baby stimulated while mommy is feeding the baby. One suggestion was to tickle the babies feet while baby is nursing.

I do not know about you, but I sure would hate for someone to tickle my feet while I am trying to eat. I shared this information with Josh and he agreed, eating time is not tickle time. I would much rather Josh help me out by cleaning the toilet or making something for me to eat than crowding over me tickling Parker, while I'm trying to feed him.

Most of the information in the class was very useful. It is an interesting thing, breastfeeding. Whether you choose to do it or not, you have to admit that it seems like a natural thing to do, your body produces the milk, and that process starts as soon as the placenta is out. However, you have never done anything like it before in your life, (and if you have, I'm not sure I want to know about it) so although it is natural, it is new and awkward. If any one is planning on breast feeding or even just considering it, look into going to one of these classes. Leave the hubby at home so he can make dinner or draw you a warm bubble bath or whatever.

There was one interesting thing that occurred in class. We were kind of introducing ourselves and this one girl, young girl, probably 18 or 19 said a few sentences that struck me and I wished someone who would appreciated their awkwardness was there to hear them. Here is what she said:
"I go to a Christian school down the road. I tried to talk my boyfriend into coming tonight, but he wouldn't do it."
In case you are reading this in a drunken stooper or if you are not really on the ball today, I will point out the three things that immediately ran through my head:
1. She is 9 month pregnant and goes to a Christian school.
2. Obviously she is not married, which is fine, but probably not fine for someone who goes to a Christian school.
3. Is the boyfriend the father?

(I thought of this in the car a few minutes later.)
4. I wonder what kind of drama this baby is going to be born into.

Trials and Tribulations of Bedrest: Week #1

The title is a bit misleading. There have been few, if any, tribulations throughout the first week of bed rest. This is mainly because, aside from a brief venture into St. Mary's County, every day is pretty much a repeat of the previous one. I live in my own personal version of Groundhog's Day, and I'm telling you it is about as much fun to live through as the movie was to watch. In other words, bed rest sounds like a marvelous idea, until you are actually living it.
Here is my calendar of events for the past week Try to keep up will ya?

Tuesday, May 27: Put on bed rest. Came home from the doctor's office, notified work, ate lunch waited until Josh got home, made dinner, watch Hell's Kitchen*, went to bed. (Bed rest or not, my week revolves around Hell's Kitchen. I am not into reality TV but I am into judgemental Brits who use the word "ballics" and can reduce men twice their own size to tears.)

Wednesday, May 28: Take a shower, eat breakfast, read, walked Abby, ate lunch, read, watch Judge Judge, wait for Josh to get home. On this day I had a special treat, my parents came down to deliver the crib and glider and took us out to dinner.

Thursday, May 29: Repeat first few steps from previous day, get a call from Josh that he forgot his wallet and his gas light came on. My mom does not know this area, so we drove Josh's wallet the 40-50 miles it needed to travel in order to get to Josh. I also bought a new trash can from Target. Repeat last few steps from the previous day.

Friday, May 30: Repeat the first few steps and the last few steps from the previous days. In the middle of the day I alternate taking Abby for short walks to the mailbox, about 50 yards away and reading copious amounts of books. Thinking to myself: You've got to be kidding me! This is still going on?

Saturday and Sunday were not so bad since Josh was around. In between trips to the mailbox and books, I have made Josh quite a few "to do" lists. Some of them pertaining to the baby, some of the for my own entertainment!

Monday, June 2: Repeat Friday. Although, Abby and I did get into a bit of a scuffle. I wanted to go read on the deck and thought she should join me. She had other thoughts. In my effort to coax her onto the deck, she headbutted me, resulting in a bloody nose. I will keep you posted if things turn ugly around here. She seems to be in better spirits today.

Things I have realized since being confined to 9458 Seagull Court:
-I will never do anything that will result in a long term house arrest. Short-term maybe, but nothing more that a month!
-I get an intense urge to cook when I am home alone. The problem is, I am then home alone with lots of food. Not good.
-I have to take a shower and get dressed in real clothes, not PJ's, everyday in order to feel like I have ended the previous day and began the next. Yes I have even blown dry my hair some days.
-I am lazy. My neighbor just had a baby girl about a week and a half ago. She is home all day and so am I. Think we have gotten together just once, just for a few minutes even? No, no we have not. We will catch each other outside when we are walking our respective dogs to the mailbox, but that is about it.
-I LOVE Chelsea Handler. She has two books out- "Hello Vodka, Are You There it's Me Chelsey" and "My Horizontal Life" She also has a show on E!- Chelsea Lately. She is real life friends with Jenny McCarthy, my other hero and mentor. If I everturn this blog into anything more than a blog, it will be partly because Chelsea is my idle.
-In about the 3 weeks or so, since I have been stripped of my work-out routine, I have become a fast reader. I have read no less than 5 in 3 weeks. For a dyslexic girl, that is damn good.
-I have an burning desire for my carpets to be as clean as possible and I am having them steam cleaned tomorrow.
-If I do not carry my cell phone and house phone with me every where I go, people assume I am in labor.

I had a doctors appointment today. No further dilation, but I was given the ok for short (1 mile) Abby walks once a day. I am having contractions although they have no pattern yet and are not painful <--words I am sure to eat in a few days/weeks time.

My aunt and uncle want to start a pool for when I am going to go into labor. My aunt says June 12, my uncle says June 16. No one thinks I will make it to July 2, my original due date. Any takers? Prize TBD--

I have a breast feeding class to go to tonight. I'm sure it will be interesting and I will report back tomorrow...while my carpets are being cleaned!

Moving right along...literally!

A few weeks ago I told you how I was no longer allowed to work out because Parker is sitting so low. Well when my doctor told me this, I asked her if I could still walk my dog. She told me that should be ok, as long as I listen to my body and if I start to feel tired or like I need to stop I should.

We live near a small boardwalk that is a 1/2 mile from one end to the other, so one round trip is 1 mile. Abby and I have a routine of doing this loop about 3 times in about 45 minutes, if we are moving at a good clip and Abby does not need to stop and smell EVERY single flower along the way, we can make it in less than 45 mins.

I say this because after being told I could not Jazzercise, I was planning on relying on dog walking to take the edge off the weight gain. No no no I was not going to do 3 miles in 45 minutes, but maybe 2 miles in...well..in however much time it took.

Josh came with my on my first "non-workout stroll" down the boardwalk. When we finished up the first lap and he saw that I was rounding the bend for lap #2 he abruptly stopped me. "NO! You do not have your cell phone with you. The doctor just told you to stop working out. No more laps."
Josh does not put his foot down like that very often, so when he does, I try to respect it.
From that point on, Abby and I only did 1 lap on the boardwalk, much to both of our dismays (is that a word..dismays?) and that one lap took us about 30 minutes. Clearly, not up to par with our normal routine. Abby was/is pissed to say the least. She LOVES those boardwalk walks and now they were cut considerably short.
However, maybe not short enough...stay tuned

Last Monday we went for our last sonogram, partly because Parker is so low and my doctor just wanted to check things out. This third visit is usually when mom's and dad's get that cool 3-D sonogram picture of their baby where they can pretty much see the baby's facial features. Parker is so low, that picture was impossible. All we got was a vague white-ish yellow-ish profile shadow that basically looked like a squiggly line.

Side note: I fear that my baby will have a severely misshaped head and be forced to wear one of those clear head-shaping helmets since his heads seems to be down so far in such a narrow spot. Let's all pray that is not the case.

Back to the main story at hand...
So the lady doing the sonogram last Monday told me that my cervix was completely in tact and there is no evidence of dilation.
Well on Tuesday, about a week after the sonogram, I went to the doctor. I am 1.5 centimeters dilated and now on bed rest because I am only 35 weeks.
A lot of women I know who are already mom's have told me that I can hang out at this stage for quite a bit and I knew that already and am fine with it. However, keep in mind, this change happened in about a week. I went from no dilation to 1.5 cm.

I am fine with whatever happens at this point. If Parker comes early, great! (As long as it is after next week so I will be a solid 36 weeks), if he waits until the due date or a bit after that is fine too. I have only marginally unpacked some of the baby shower stuff and Josh is slowly, but surely putting together baby items included and LIMITED to the stroller and bassinet. The car seat is still in the car, but not securely.
Last week we went grocery shopping and I had a coupon for diapers that was about to expire, so I picked up a pack and put them in the cart. When Josh saw them he said, "You are buying those already?" I reminded him we are only a few weeks away from baby-time, that the coupon was going to expire and that we only have 1 pack of diapers, which we got as a gift, and that pack will likely be depleted within the first hour of us bringing Parker home.
Don't let out lack of setting-up "baby shop" fool you. We are more than excited about meeting, playing with, and enjoying Parker. However, the mechanics of getting our crap together seems to be lacking a bit. Not to mention that this nesting need I keep hearing about seems to be completely nonexistent within me in all regards.

People keep asking if I have hit the uncomfortable stage yet. My answer to them is this:
I am fine during the day. Around 8:30/9:00 at night, I start to get restless and need to just lay down. (Though I am on bed rest, I am mostly sitting on my couch proped up with a mountain of pillows.) Bed rest is not my favorite, but this is my first sacrifice as a mom for my child and I kind of think that is neat. I am doing something that I do not really enjoy, to make sure my baby is healthy, comfortable and happy and that makes it all a little more bearable.

To wrap things up, I basically feeling fine, save for even more frequent bathroom trips. Abby is confused as hell as to why I am home and we are not at the beach or taking long walks on the boardwalk. Josh seems to think this baby is going to crawl out at any second and I desperately want a pedicure!